In which I stab my finger

Today, after taking out suet to thaw, I had an unfortunate incident involving a knife, some treacherously slippery mangos, and my thumb. After besmearing my kitchen and bathroom with gore, followed by a brief unconscious constitutional on the bathmat, I am now resting comfortably with a stomach full of pizza; but free of both suet puddings and mangos.

My mother, my angel of sympathy who laughed at me when I sprained my ankle trying to reproduce a heel-clicking incident performed by Donald O'Connor in "Singin' In The Rain" while emptying the dishwasher, suggested I use this opportunity to try out some historical first aid recipes on my poor mangled finger. "You know, make lemons into lemonade!" "Pink lemonade."

To this end, I give you a short list of home remedies you (yes you! I like my fingers too much.) can try on your cuts and scrapes.

1. Spider webs: Honestly, I've only ever seen this in fantasy novels. Anyone have a source? Also, no. I am not touching spider webs. SPIDERS LIVE IN THOSE.

2. Packed herbs: Again, I think I've mainly seen this in fantasy novels. Characters are always going on quests through the woods in lands that never fail to boast the botanical equivalent of ibuprofen/neosporin/Band-Aids.

3. Pads: The lady kind. This technology was used during WWI for the staunching the injuries of our boys at the front. Eventually, a nurse noticed that WE HAD HAD THIS TECHNOLOGY FOR AGES and decided this might have applications for ladies. Before that, women had to either clamp rags between their legs or stay pregnant for their entire reproductive life. In conclusion, this is why we need more girls in the sciences. Men just can't be trusted to think of these things.

4. Moldy bread: The forerunner of penicillin. Unfortunately, I am allergic to penicillin so I do not think a full-body rash would help very much.

5. Turpentine: My mom suggested this one. I am beginning to suspect she is not taking the mango-related almost-severance of my finger seriously OR sympathetically.

6. Toasted Cheese: "Things A Lady Would Like To Know"* suggests binding toasted cheese on a cut. That is not only unhelpful, but also cruel. As is commonly known, crispy cheese is impossible not to eat. Even if it has one's own blood on it. And that is gross. On the other hand, I may now have a business idea for a bandage, made of renewable materials, that does not fill up the garbage dump. And is delicious. If a little bit metallic tasting.


*This book also suggests curing deafness by being electrified through the ear, and then taking a cold bath. This source may not be a trustworthy source of medical advice.

Suet pudding

HA HA! Just kidding, I have not made suet pudding yet. I bet you were all, OH MAN. TODAY IS THE DAY. But no. It is a cruel joke.

I have got a recipe for Delicate Suet Pudding with jelly sauce all ready to go. I started to assemble the ingredients before realizing I had no pudding mold. And I was sad. How did I get this far into my adult life without having a pudding mold? It is disgraceful.

Almost as bad as the first time I bought grapefruits when I left home, and cut the first one open before realizing I honestly had no idea what to do with it because I did not yet own grapefruit spoons.

Anywhoodle, what I need from you all are Good Ideas ( or Entertainingly Terrible Ideas) about how to proceed. Internet, how am I to steam my beef-fat laden pudding?

Pot Roast Stroganoff, Confetti Dressing, Mocha Roll

Better Homes and Gardens Blender Cookbook [1971]

This book is special for its insistence that everything, everything, can be made in a blender. Of particular note is the chapter entitled "Timesaving Breads." I also like the title of "Jam and Relish Jamboree"; but that may just be because I feel that jamboree is an excellent and underused word, as well as my love of weak puns.

I have never been more thankful for this important blender tip: if you squeeze some dish soap in after use, then fill halfway up with hot water and blend, you will have a clean blender. This is useful when one is using a blender four times in the same meal.

Menu:
Pot Roast Stroganoff
Hot Noodles
Lettuce
Confetti Dressing
Mocha Roll
Beverage

Pot Roast Stroganoff
2- to 2 1/2 pound beef chuck roast
3 tablespoons salad oil
1 10 3/4 ounce can condensed tomato soup
1 cup cream-style cottage cheese
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1/2 small onion, but into pieces
1 clove garlic
1 3-ounce can mushrooms, drained
3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1/3 cup water
Hot cooked noodles

Trim meat; season. Brown in oil in Dutch oven. Put next 5 ingredients in blender; blend smooth. Add mushrooms; pour over meat. Cover; cook at 325 degrees about 2 hours. Place meat on platter. Skim fat from sauce. Combine flour and water; add to sauce. Cook and stir till thick; season. Serve on noodles. Serves 6.

Confetti Dressing
Stir dressing before serving so tiny bits of onion, olive, green pepper, and celery are dispersed throughout the zippy dressing--
1 cup salad oil
3/4 cup vinegar
1/3 cup sugar
1 teaspoon sald
2 green onions with tops, sliced
1/4 cup pimiento-stuffed green olives
1/2 small green pepper, cut in pieces
1 stalk celery, sliced

Put all of the ingredients into the blender container; blend till vegetables are finely chopped. Chill mixture. Stir the mixture before using. Spoon mixture over salad greens. Makes approximately 2 1/3 cups dressing.

Mocha Roll
4 eggs
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
3/4 cup packaged pancake mix
Confectioner's sugar
1 1/2 cups milk
1 4 1/2 ounce package instant chocolate pudding mix
1 tablespoon instant coffee powder [I left this out]
Sifted confectioners' sugar
Shaved chocolate

Place eggs and salt in blender container; blend till frothy. Add sugar and vanilla; blend till smooth and thick. Add pancake mix; blend to combine. Spread in greased and floured 15 1/2 x 10 1/2 x 1-inch pan. Bake at 400 degrees for 8 to 10 minutes. Loosen sides; turn out onto towel dusted with confectioners' sugar. Starting at narrow end, roll cake and towel; cool.

Place milk; instant chocolate pudding mix, and coffee powder in blender container; blend till ingredients are thoroughly combined.

Unroll cooled cake; spread with mocha filling. Reroll and chill. At serving time sprinkle with sifted confectioners' sugar and top with shaved chocolate. Makes 10 servings.

Verdict:

Pot Roast Stroganoff: Fine. It was nice and tender, and the sauce was fine. Not great, but within the bounds of reason.

Confetti Dressing: Sort of watery and bland. It is canola oil, white vinegar, and some bits, really. I suppose it looks kind of festive. The name leads one to expect more joy and celebration, though. It is the 70's, so maybe this would be better with a high degree of inebriation. There IS a cocktails section of the book. Anyone want a go? Only one of them has sauerkraut juice!

Mocha Roll: I was most skeptical of this one. Pancake mix and instant pudding? Really? I like pancakes and pudding, so I figured it couldn't be too bad. And it wasn't. It was really tasty. Nice and smooth and filled with pudding. Pudding! I didn't have any chocolate to shave, but I found some chocolate covered raisins in the back of the cupboard and proclaimed it Good Enough. Four of us polished off the whole thing in short order. It was actually better than a lot of real cake rolls I've had, not counting my sister's pumpkin cake roll with cream cheese filling. All of us would eat it again, and one person said that lemon pudding would be fantastic in it. Ooh, maybe with a raspberry sauce over the top...

I will confess though, I did not make the pudding in the blender. Why would I, when I have this?

Rendered Suet

Never before have I completed a recipe and quite so adamantly thought, "NEVER AGAIN." Okay, so suet is the beef fat that comes from around the kidneys. It is the purest fat from the carcass, and as such, was very popular for cooking. Kind of like the lard of beef. It is apparently the only thing to use for steamed puddings because of its particular melting point, and a traditional ingredient in pie crusts, mincemeat, and tallow candles.

If you are lucky enough to live in the U.K., you can get it in the form of innocuous pre-processed pellets . I do not live in the U.K.

So, when we bought half a cow recently, I asked the butcher for the suet. He asked what that was, and then said that they call it the leaf fat. He brought out a great big chunk to the yard, hacked off the meaty tendony bits into the Trash Can O' Animal Bits, wrapped it up for me, and said I could come back any time for the same. Usually they use it to mix into ground game meats.

Let's do this.

7:00 a.m- Looked at leaf fat. Resolved to make it into suet today.
8:00- Looked at leaf fat. Resolved to make it into suet soon.
9:00- Looked at leaf fat. Resolved to make it into suet soon.
10:00- Looked at leaf fat. Resolved to make it into suet soon.
11:00- Looked at leaf fat. Resolved to make it into suet soon.

12:00 p.m.- Convinced husband to cut it into chunks. Cut one chunk myself. Had severe hibbity jibbities. Vowed never to do it again. Husband asked if this was going to smell weird. I reassured him that it probably wouldn't. Possibly. Anyway, it'd probably just smell like beef.

12:15- Put it in the crock pot, with about 2 cups of water.

3:07- Does it smell weird in here? Not super weird, just a little weird?

3:11- It smells weird in here. Is it the suet? It is, isn't it. I should check.

4:00 Lifted the lid of the crock pot. IT IS THE SUET. It does not smell like beef. It smells like fish that has gone off. I hope this doesn't get worse. It isn't too bad as long as you don't open the lid.

4:46- Put crock pot in garage, to quench the smell of death.

5:54- I think it is following me. No. It's just residual.

7:01- suspect stench is infiltrating. Told Husband I was pulling the plug on this project, but he convinced me to try it just a while longer. Sigh.

8:27- The stench may be lessening... or I am just getting used to it.

10:09 p.m., next day- Fat still not entirely rendered. This is taking much longer than I thought it was going to. It doesn't stink anymore! Hooray!

1:43 p.m., the day after that- Looks like pineapple chunks in syrup. Smells... like beef! Admittedly not a super quality in something whose purpose is to go into desserts, but much better than Nasty Fish flavored.

1:48 p.m.: I'm tired of this. I'm straining it.

Gross.

Still kind of gross. But... less so?

This is after chilling. Creamy and delicious? I guess?

Now, to do stuff with it! Yay.

As a reward for getting through all those icky pictures:

***Edit: Please also visit this much more helpful article on rendering lard here.***

Next Time

I apologize for the tardiness of the latest post, but it is something I have to work up to. I have not worked up the courage yet, but I will, I promise.

I can do it I can do it I can do it

American Mince and American Pinwheels

We'll Eat Again [reprinted recipes from WWII]

I am American, and I have never had anything like either of these recipes. And yet, the British Ministry of Food says it is so. I suspect these recipes are American like nachos are Mexican. But less delicious. How about you, Other Americans? Anyone?

And just sit quietly, Canadians. I have a recipe for Canadian Bake that I'll get to in the future, never fear.

Or fear. Fear is probably the more reasonable response.

That's right, Mrs. Smith. We're getting a seventh of our meat now in corned beef--twopence in the 1s. 2d. as you might say. Lord Woolton's watching his stocks--he likes to be sure he's got a bit in hand. I don't mind telling you I was rather afraid the whole ration would be cut down. It's lucky for everyone there is this corned beef to help out with. Cold or hot, you can dish it up in a dozen different ways--and very tasty, too. No, Mrs. Smith, I don't want any points coupons, it's all part of the meat ration.

American Mince

Cooking time: 30-35 minutes
Quantity: 4 helpings

6 oz. corned beef, minced or finely chopped
8 oz. cooked pearl barley
1/2 pint tomato pulp or white sauce
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 oz cheese, grated
1 oz breadcrumbs
1/2 oz dripping or margarine
2 tomatoes (if available)

For a while during the war, 1 oz. of cheese per week was the ration for one person

Method: Place the beef, barley, tomato pulp or white sauce, seasoning, cheese, and breadcrumbs in layers in a greased pie dish. Finish with a layer of cheese and dot with the dripping or margarine. Bake in a moderate oven for 25 minutes.

Yes. That is 1/2 oz. cheese there. Do you know how hard it is to make two layers out of 1 oz. of cheese? Answer: very.

Slice the whole tomatoes and spread over the top. Return to the oven for a further 5-10 minutes.

American Pinwheels

Pastry:
8 oz. flour
pinch of salt
1/4 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar
or 1 teaspoon baking powder
2 oz margarine
milk to mix

Chocolate mixture:
2 oz margarine
2 tablespoons sugar
1 dessertspoon Bournville cocoa
1/2 teaspoon vanilla essence

Pastry: Put flour, salt, soda and cream of tartar in a bowl. Mix together, rub in margarine and bind to a stiff paste with milk.

Chocolate mixture: Cream margarine and sugar together, stir in cocoa, add essence, and if necessary a tablespoonful of milk; do not make too soft or the mixture will run during cooking. Roll out pastry into an oblong and spread with chocolate mixture. Roll up as for jam roll and cut into 3/4 inch rounds. Pack into a baking tin and bake in a moderately hot oven 20 to 30 minutes.


Verdict:

American Mince: Okay, first of all, this is corned beef from a can:

Yes. That speaks for itself. I also had to call my mom on the phone so she could tell me how to open a can with a key. The recipe calls for only half of it, so I put the other half thriftily away to use another day. Hooray! While I was measuring and putting out ingredients, Husband came by and tried to snitch a pinch of cheese. "NOOOOOOOO!" I said. "THAT IS ALL THE CHEESE WE GET PUT IT BACK PUT IT BACK WE ONLY GET AN OUNCE UNLESS YOU WANT TO HIT THE BLACK MARKET AND HELP HITLER DO YOU WANT TO HELP HITLER AHHHHHHHH!"

He put it back.

It took some careful placement to get two layers out of that cheese. In the end, you could not taste the cheese at all, and seeing the occasional shred just felt like a mockery. I would rather have just eaten my ration straight up. At least that way I could have tasted it.

It wasn't terrible though. It was kind of fine. Were I on rations, and corned beef in a can was what I could get, I'd make this. I'd feel kind of sad while eating it, but I would indeed eat it.

My sister came over that day, and I cleverly trapped her into eating dinner with us. This is her plate after dinner.

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, KRISTIN. I'm telling mom.

American Pinwheels: Holy HECK is that a tiny amount of filling! It is almost impossible to spread it over all the dough. It does look bigger when it is baked though, which is something I suppose. These are dry biscuits with "essence of chocolate" to tease your mouth. My sister had an excellent idea for improvement, though!

Much better!


Now I need some nachos.

Save That Fat!

Courtesy of Shorpy.com

June 1942. "Why greases must be saved. A soldier of the home front -- and there's one in every American kitchen -- saves all waste fats and greases so that they can be processed into ammunition for America's soldiers on the battlefronts. Pan and broiler drippings, deep fats, renderings from bacon rinds: These are some of the fats which should be put through a strainer to remove meat scraps and other solids, and poured into wide-mouthed cans such as coffee or fat cans." 4x5 safety negative by Ann Rosener for the Office of War Information.

And if you don't give your leftover fat to the government, at least make a veggie-filled pastry!